I just tried to wax my own upper lip and narrowly missed burning the house down. The wax tub had a metal anti-theft sticker on the bottom that I didn’t notice. So I popped it in the microwave and POOF, ten seconds later the tub is on fire, as is the microwave, and the house smells like I just melted a barbie.
I need to clean the black soot everywhere and make sure all of the flames are out, but first I’m trying to salvage the tub of wax as the anti-theft sticker has melted into it and I want to peel it off before the whole stupid $20 tub is ruined. This is the part where I got the
waxindustrial glue all over my hands. Ok, so maybe this makes me an idiot but I thought this stuff was actual wax and it would probably come off pretty easily. Wrong. I guess that suggestion on the label to purchase the “wax remover” was more than just a sales pitch.
2 minutes later I’ve managed to get it all over the sink faucet because I’m still thinking “It’s wax - hot water will take it right off!” Wrong. So now my hands are covered in glorified pink superglue and feel like they’re on fire and the sink is covered in sticky goo.
Stay calm. Dawn cuts through anything! Dawn will get it off. Wrong. Maybe I just need to blot my hands with a paper towel. Wrong. Have you ever touched toilet paper with something sticky and then tried to pull it off? Yeah, it was like that, but on my hands. Now I’m running around the kitchen frantically - the sink is clogged and almost overflowing with steaming hot water, and I’ve got clumps of paper towel stuck to my hands, and the microwave may or may not still be on fire.
My next move baffles even me - for some reason in my frenzy I thought maybe rubbing the paper towel hands on some plastic bag on top of the trash would make everything roll right off. Wrong again. I now have pieces of trash including guacamole (or cat puke?) which were stuck to the bag and are now stuck to me, along with the bag and the paper towel, and I’m running in circles in the kitchen resembling some horrible 1980s Chevy Chase movie, not sure whether the overflowing sink, the melting microwave, or my trash hands should be priority.
Fast forward 15 minutes … I’m not sure what got the wax off my hands - maybe it was the peanut butter, the margarine, the nail polish remover, or the body oil, but it’s finally gone.
And now my fucking upper lip is on fire. I hate having a vagina.
The Devil: I insist on talking about it - it was stale!
Barman: The sturgeon they sent was second-grade-fresh.
The Devil: Really, what nonsense!
Barman: Why nonsense?
The Devil: “Second-grade-fresh” - that’s what I call nonsense! There’s only one degree of freshness - the first, and it’s the last. If your sturgeon is “second-grade-fresh” that means it’s stale.
Mikhail Bulgakov - The Master and Margarita
A line from my favourite book/Russian saying!